I have lost eight pounds already, which alarms me a little bit. Not that I don't have it to lose (along with an additional 40 extra lbs.). But I don't really want to lose it this quickly. At my age, rapid weight loss could equal (gasp) saggy skin. I've not been working out due to flares, the cold weather and trying to allow my body a little extra rest to jump start any healing. But, I do plan to go back soon. Walking around looking like a deflated balloon is not my goal on this diet change.
This week has been relatively easy. Until today for some reason. I had a major emotional breakdown. Over nothing. A desk clerk at a clinic was rude to me this morning and I was rude right back to her. And then I got into my car and broke down crying. This is not normal for me. Ok, maybe being rude right back is somewhat normal for me. But I usually end up taking a deep breath and then trying to diffuse the situation and calm both of us down and resolve the issue. But I didn't do this today. And cry about it?? Just not me.
So I came home (still crying) to try to explain it to my husband and he told me I had been a little "off" the last few days. Making things that were usually not a big deal into a big deal. Worrying more than I should. Over sensitivity to things like the cold, loud noises. Sensory overload, I think it's called. And I realized he was right. Last night I watched my daughter's four year old and 10 month old and was freaking out that they were not yet asleep at 8:30 when my daughter got home. I was sure I was responsible for their immune systems being compromised from lack of proper sleep and they would probably catch God knows what from daycare during this horrible flu season. All because I had them too wound up to go to bed at their usual time. My grandmother skills were in question in my mind. It didn't matter that my daughter thought nothing of it and they went to sleep soon after I left. To me it was a major fail. The other day, I was working on a project in my craft room and my husband came up to tell me I had a phone call. I didn't hear him come up the stairs and I about jumped out of my skin (and down his throat) because it startled me so badly when he walked in the room. If he drops a pan in the kitchen it feels like a thousand needles going through my head. When he yawns, I accuse him of sounding like Chewbacca from Star Wars.
And I cannot get warm for the life of me. I'm sitting here with a space heater blowing on me and I'm still wrapped up in a fuzzy blanket. Yes, it's still pretty cold outside. And snowing (again). But our house is warm and I'm bundled up like an Eskimo. And I am usually a "hot blooded" person in general. I should not be this uncomfortable.
So as you can see, something is going on with my body, both emotionally and physically. Tony and I talked it over (have I mentioned before how wonderful he is and how blessed I really am to be married to this man?). We think there may be something hormonal going on with this diet change. I'm a firm believer in the power of hormones, I've seen what the changes can do to your body in moods most of my life. So it's possible, this week of "detoxing" from all the
Added to that is my somewhat mourning the idea that I may never get to eat some of the foods I love ever again. I think it hit me that this may have to be my way of life if I am choosing to get off all of my medications and keep my RA in remission (still holding on to the hope that it does go into remission and I can get off all meds). Some people can implement many things back into their diet after a time period. But many cannot and this becomes their way of life forever or face the consequences. Painful consequences, too.
Another factor may be that this cold, dreary weather is just wearing on me and everyone else in the Midwest. Yes, it's winter. Yes, snow and cold are normal every year. But it's been a brutal winter so far. And sunny days are rare and far between. Lots of gloomy days really do add to some gloomy feelings.
And then there is the added wonderful emotion that we all know and hate. Guilt.
Feeling guilty because so many other people have it so much worse. Guilty that I can afford to buy organic foods to help me heal and many people can't afford to shop. Feeling guilty that I can actually mourn the absence of some FOOD in my life, when I have so much to be thankful for instead.
But guilt is not a healthy emotion either. And stress is not good for healing anything in our bodies. So the rest of the day, I'm going to spend it trying to relax and not worry about anything. And focus on health and how good bone broth really does taste! And picture my body healing itself because of the good things I'm putting into it. And being grateful for a very understanding husband. And the fact that I am retired and can spend more time relaxing and not have to worry about getting out in this cold to go to work. And being thankful for a great family including four grand daughters that are healthy and have parents and grandparents that truly love them.
I do believe, in spite of hormones or whatever imbalance is going on in our bodies, that we can still CHOOSE our thoughts. And when God tells us to be thankful in ALL things, He really meant it for our own good. Being thankful changes our hearts and lightens the load of worry off of our shoulders. That will be my goal this second week.
And I promised I would list my cravings here, too. So here it is - I want a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with a big glass of milk! And a huge piece of chocolate cake. But, even though there is a craving for these things, it's not over powering. I just don't have the option to cheat right now.
I do believe my life really does depend on it.
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